My life style challenge has shed a new light on several aspects of my life. It truly does take 21 days to build a habit and one of my new favorite habits is finding positive things to say to myself in the mirror as I undress before going in the shower at night. For the past year and a half, I avoided going in the bathroom to shower at night because the light was so bright, I could see every imperfection. Every lump, roll and bump. I did not have the confidence to face myself like that.
It’s not a secret that a new mom’s body can be less than appealing to herself and her spouse. It didn’t help that my spouse vocally expressed his dismay for my body, something I had already felt and beat myself up about internally. It was something I thought that he, as a supportive spouse would help me get past but it was not. Sometimes people find strength in us but don’t have the strength to reciprocate in dire times of need. I went through the end of my pregnancy alone and the first 7 months of my son’s life by myself. I was supportive and quiet although extremely unhappy but I found strength in his courage to be overseas. I’m always guilty of expecting from other people what I put out.
It’s easy to point a finger at someone and tell them something negative, like you’re fat, you’re ugly, you need to lose weight, you’re too skinny etc. The harder part is finding something beautiful to say about them because as cliche as it sounds, each beast has beauty in him. It’s also difficult to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. My breasts are 2 sizes larger than they were before, but they’re beautiful. My stomach looks like golden cottage cheese and I like it. It tells the story of a beautiful child that I birthed. It tells a story of 10 months of being inseparable and a connection that a man could never understand.
As women, we could give two fucks about what the outside world thinks however, we definitely seek acceptance from our spouse. But, if our spouse is too busy paying attention to other things or looking at other women, we take offense. Not that our spouses shouldn’t be looking at other women but just a question of ourselves. What’s so bad about me that he doesn’t marvel at me the way he might a strange woman on instagram?
Up until my life style challenge, I found myself hiding my body because I was ashamed that he didn’t like it. My confidence is not defined by my spouse or any other person. My confidence lies within the same person that birthed the beautiful child; myself. Every passing day I have been forced me to find beauty in myself and tears may be strolling down my face as I type this, I am not hurt or angry, I am enlightened.
Not feeling wanted is one of the worst feelings in the world. If you’re out there and you’re reading this.. Just know that I’ve been there and I think that you are beautiful inside and out. Use your 21 day power to create a new habit and re-build your confidence.