Having a new addition to the family is wondrous, beautiful event. It can also cause a lot of stress on the parents and sometimes can severely strain the relationship. Dealing with a new body or PPD as a new mom is one thing but once that is over, how do you find time to balance your new lives as parents while not losing who you are and keeping up with your love life?
There is no easy solution for any of these problems nor is it a one size fix all solution but know that you're not alone. A study conducted back in 2014 says that men usually lose 1/3 of their testosterone and show a decrease in sex drive when actively being around an infant for more than 3 hours a day. Having a spouse that's less aggresive than usual and a poop tired mommy could spell disaster for an otherwise flourishing sex life.
A decrease in sex doesn't always have to end in a split or infidelity. Realizing what's going on in your relationship and keeping the lines of communication open is crucial to saving it. Talking about sex expectations or needs in a non confrontational and unthreatening way can actually be an eye opener for both parties and lead to an increase of sex in the bedroom or at least the attempt.
In my own experience, I have found that it was a lot easier to engage in getting my cheeks busted when Sai was not in the room with us. Some parents love to co-sleep, I however enjoy sex with my man without a crying baby in between us so, I sleep trained Sai at the tender age of 6 weeks. Now that he is almost 2, I can give Corey head in the morning without worrying about my son staring me in the face or asking me what I'm doing to daddy. If co-sleeping is absolutely something your and your significant other can not give up, morning sex in the shower or in the living room while the kids are still sleep may be something that will work better for you. Or the classic, take your ass down for a nap time.
Here are some tips that helped us rekindle our spark:
1. Being open and honest about both of our weight changes after the baby
Both of us had very different bodies after Sai, he lost a ton of weight and I seemed to take the weight that he lost and then some. He thought my extra weight was unattractive and I was too busy dealing with stress of going back to work amongst other shit to worry about jogging around anyone's track. We finally had a real conversation about the changes our body had gone through and both of us ended up meeting half way. I increased my yoga, ran once a week and took up tennis and he let me feed him without doing 1,000 push ups every day.
2. Being vocal about what turned me(us) off & meeting half way
After having a baby, your hormones are all over the place and anything will send you into a whirlwind of emotion (anger included), I found myself rolling my eyes, sucking my teeth or just being nasty for no apparent reason. If something upset me, I would express it and leave it right there. I constantly told him I would eventually get over it, which I did so there was no need to drag it.
3. Mandatory date nights
Date nights are so important to relationships. They force you to get off your couch, out of your house and experience something new. Leave your phones in your bag/pocket or put them on the table face down. Get to enjoy each other, talk about new goals and what's going on in your separate lives. They don't have to be the same each week because having those habits can be problematic when other events arise. It also technically doesn't have to be a date "night" because as parents, we know how difficult it is to find reliable baby sitters. Maybe, it's meeting up for a beer once a week before picking up the baby or scheduling lunch if you work in the same vicinity. Once yo get married or have a baby, there's no reason to stop doing the stuff that made you fall in love with each other in the first place.
4. Scheduling sex before dinner
If you're feeding him, you should also be feeding him if you get what I mean. If you let your kids watch TV, schedule a quickie session right before dinner while the munchkins are watching their favorite show.
5. Introduce something new
Sometimes, as parents, we forget about sex until it's brought up. There's a Babeland right downtown on Flatbush, stop in and pick up a vibrator. You can buy an inexpensive new piece of lingerie at Rainbow and actually wear it one night randomly after you shower or on a date night. If you're not a lingerie girl, buying cute new PJ's works too. My favorite thing to do is to take a picture while I'm in the bathroom and send it while he's still sitting at the table. These are really easy things to do.
6. Foreplay never ends
Look at your conversation with your spouse, if you have to scroll more than once to find a sexy picture or a loving comment and the last text was two days ago about putting chicken to dethaw, re-think your strategy. Single people are masters at being spicy and sending those "I'm thinking about you texts" with the pictures attached so don't let them beat you!
While I was pregnant, I used yoga to alleviate my back pain and for mental clarity through meditation. I've been doing yoga for a few years and since starting, my yoga practice has elevated from using rain forest and white noise sound tracks to full out Trey Songz, Partynextdoor and Bryson Tiller playlists. I had no idea what I was doing had a name and is recognized as #trapyoga where black girls are uniting their love for yoga and trap soul.
Although I am still a newbie, Yoga has been more than just a tool for my back pain, it has become a key element in my every day life especially after becoming incontinent from losing the muscles in my pelvic floor following my emergency c-section. Yoga allows for flexibility and also increases your libido through increased blood flow so it's also good for women who have lost their sexual appetite due to pregnancy.
Even though the majority of yoga you will see on this post is done in workout clothes, personally, I do it naked or in lingerie. Yoga is beautiful and can be sexy and should be treated as such. For those who are apprehensive about yoga, I recommend trying it in a mirror in whatever you feel comfortable in.
*KEY NOTES = click the link to be directed to each yogi's instagram
Who doesn't love a good arch? This cow pose in conjunction with the cat pose strengthens your kegel muscles for stronger contraction action and great orgasms.
Excellent for stretching thigh muscles and relieving tension in the hips. No tensing up! Also extremely easy to do for beginners.
Gets the blood rushing! Do I really have to spell this one out for you?
Calms the mind and cures muscle tension plus your ass is up in the air.
This pose is targeted to the vaginal area, focusing on the cervix. Once you release this pose, blood rushes through the cervix area prepping your coochie for some activity.
Wide legged Straddle
This was the first difficult pose I learned how to master. There are many variations of this pose including an aerial one which is easier for beginners. This pose is great for libido, increasing blood flow in the pelvic area. And, any sexual partner will appreciate a solid split.
A few years ago, I wrote this really banging Father's Day list over on the Aspire Medium's page but I assume something happen over there and it's no longer published. Boo hoo. Any who, I'm back by popular demand with a banging Father's Day gift guide.
For the Prankster
For the Geeks
For the Occasional Athelete
For the Culinary Trapper
For the Know It All
For the Snobby Food/ Drink Connoisseur
For the Germaphobe
For the Why Pay for Food When I can Grow It Myself?
For the Rockstart That Never Materialized
For the Avid Meditator
For the Artsy Architect
For the Aspiring Lawyer/ Attorney
How to Keep Home Life Balanced When Working A Non-traditional Job
Yesterday I had two whole 20 oz bottles of vanilla Coke after not having caffeine for a while. Needless to say, I was up all damn night. After attempting to wash the dishes, I was met by a little mickey who decided to harass me until I freaked out and killed him. The anxiety I felt from the mouse reminded me of all the things in my life that has been infuriating me lately. I thought, I can't be the only person who gets anxious thinking about family in-laws.
Dating is hard. You spend time to get to know a new person. You move in together and toy with the idea of getting married. You weave time for them into your life and then once you guys get everything copacetic, it's time to meet 12 new people, their family members. It's only natural that you may not get along with everyone in their family and they might not mesh well with everyone in yours. But, here are some tips to keep the peace in your relationship when it comes to being a blended family.
1. Do not wage war especially with mom or dad in-laws
While it may seem like a good idea to tell one of your in-laws about themselves, it will never go right. It will have your spouse angry with you and uncomfortable unnecessarily. The relationship your spouse has with their parents automatically becomes your relationship especially if they have accepted certain actions prior to your relationship. IE parents coming over unannounced or calling all hours of the night.
2. Listen to your spouse but keep opinions to yourself
A lot of times our spouses just want to air their grievances about their family members. Family is a sensitive topic and you shouldn't be creating more rift between your spouse and their family members. Avoid being judgmental at all costs and using certain language that could be misconstrued as negativity or shade. Only offer advice if it's something positive.
3. Avoid drinking in the presence of the family member you don't get along with
On this one, I definitely didn't take my own advice last time. Alcohol is usually unpredictable especially as a coping mechanism. At times, it gives us the freedom to say things that we most certainly shouldn't. If it's a family event that will have social drinking keep your consumption to a maximum of two, avoid celebratory shots and brace yourself to span those drinks over two or more hours.
4. Honoring their parents does not mean being a doormat
The older people get, the more manipulative, neurotic and controlling they get. Their requests are a bit outlandish and at times, they can be invasive and disrespectful without being aware.. Being respectful to them for your spouse doesn't mean being a yes man/woman.
5. A problem with the in laws usually reflects a problem in your own relationship
If you find yourself frustrated that a certain family member is out of control, more likely than not it's the perception that the family member has of what they can and cannot do. They are convinced that their attitude is acceptable and even encouraged. It is up to you as a couple to respectfully draw the line with both of your families and let them know what they are not allowed to do. Or, if your spouse is too dependent on their family/ parents e.g. a spouse who does their laundry by their parents house those are things that need to be discussed earlier than later in a peaceful manner.
6. Move to another state
This might sound a little crazy but saving your sanity and relationship is worth it. If you have family members/ in laws that constantly show up and violate your space, it may be time to move to another state. The science is that you want far enough that they can't just show up but close enough if they come they only have to spend one night.
Before we start, I want you guys to know that this post does contain affiliate links. You know in the words of Eminem, "the FTC won't let me be or let me be me" etc. etc. Any who, now that that's out of the way let's begin!
The struggle for V-day is so real. Taxes haven't hit yet, restaurants are charging outrageous amounts of money for the smallest plates and we all just want to figure out how to get that spark back. I've found some unconventional gift ideas for him because I'm always catering to the man. I believe as spouses our job is to bring that VA VA VOOM KABUME!
Consider giving him a scratch off but make the contents a little more dirty. :D
You've seen the chicken bouquet, a flower bouquet but what about a man bouquet? Yes, we went there. This one you can personalize with his favorite liquor and maybe a new game for his PS.
Pictures attached to balloons = cute. Actions attach to balloons = sexy. Each balloon should represent something you can do to him or you can do to each other or make it interesting and do some crazy dares.
Whatever you choose, make sure you add a beautiful photo card from Tiny Prints. How cute are these? And you can give your bae these before giving him the real gift above.
Tiny Prints is giving us 30% off of cards AND 50% off rush shipping hoorah!
Oh, and if you're more of a "traditional" gift giver, all products on their site is 30% off until 2/16.
For more last minute information visit the Tiny Prints blog.
The holidays are usually an extremely busy, happy time for Cor and I. This is Sai's second Christmas and although he was more active this than the last, for me, this year just seemed so much harder. We were mad broke. This broke was to the point where I couldn't afford to put lights on the tree. Nobody noticed. We didn't buy him gifts until two days before Christmas and we no longer have our car. At a time where togetherness seems to be the norm, our situation prevented us from truly being together. I was always at home because I didn't have the funds to travel with them to take Sai to school.
I do believe that hardships are a testament of our strength and commitment to ourselves and each other but this shit was "tew much".
Still thankful though.
My dad had taken Sai yesterday but Cor and I didn't have the funds to go out and have a good time. Instead we had a Chinese and Chill session (the Netflix has been off since last week)
We argued so many times this month. So much so that I lost count. However, hiding from our friends, pigging out on spicy pork fried rice, binge watching Quantico and cuddling on our couch was probably the best weekend I had with him in months. Just goes to show you that money doesn't mean everything.
For 2016, I have high hopes. I hope that Cor and I can keep the newly founded bond that we built over the poorness in 2015 but at the same time maintain the honest relationship that we worked so hard on. I aspire to be a better spouse for Cor and a better mom to Sai. A better friend to my framily.
I CAME AND I CRIED.
Not out of disgust or pleasure but sheer curiosity. Why am I masturbating when I live with my spouse? Co-habitating is difficult. He aired his grievances to me recently, repeatedly. I've been working hard to keep up with the things that were important to him and I feel that my priority needs just fell by the wayside.
I really look to Google to answer life's toughest questions. "What's the weather?" "Why won't my baby sleep?" "What should I cook for dinner?" For this question, Google has told me everything from he's upset about finances, or he's really just too tired and my favorite, he's having an affair. Most of the problems in my life seem to have simple solutions but there's no solution in sight for this one.
Truth be told, we've have arguments and he's said things that he claims he didn't mean. I've said things that I did mean. In the back of my head, I can only think about those hurtful things that stand out like a sore thumb. He no longer loves me. He's just staying because I had the baby. I have that tiny voice in the back of my head telling me to keep my guard up, get my shit together and always be on my toes.
Is it fair to live my life based on the unknown? Corey has threatened to leave me on multiple occasions for the dumbest shit but not once through any of my discontentness have I fixed my lips to leave, talk to another person or even thought about cheating. Does my undying faithfulness make me a target for being neglected?
Things in my life are far from perfect. I'm partially employed, the bills are piling up, I can't carry the laundry to the laundromat, but somehow I still have a glimmer of hope. I have an amazing one year old, I clean the house, I cook, I started my lifestyle challenge, I'm eloquent, intelligent, read tons of books, I have great style and I'm family/goal oriented. To me focusing on the things I can change will create a way for the other stuff to change through that whole positive universe shit. So far it's been working.
I don't need tons of his time. We both live separate lives and the only time we're home alone together is 9:30pm- whenever he falls asleep which is usually by 10:30. It's a rainy day in NYC. I'm going to cook a fantastic dinner, clean the house, make some candles, throw on some fishnets and see if he can make me cry tonight.