I CAME AND I CRIED.
Not out of disgust or pleasure but sheer curiosity. Why am I masturbating when I live with my spouse? Co-habitating is difficult. He aired his grievances to me recently, repeatedly. I've been working hard to keep up with the things that were important to him and I feel that my priority needs just fell by the wayside.
I really look to Google to answer life's toughest questions. "What's the weather?" "Why won't my baby sleep?" "What should I cook for dinner?" For this question, Google has told me everything from he's upset about finances, or he's really just too tired and my favorite, he's having an affair. Most of the problems in my life seem to have simple solutions but there's no solution in sight for this one.
Truth be told, we've have arguments and he's said things that he claims he didn't mean. I've said things that I did mean. In the back of my head, I can only think about those hurtful things that stand out like a sore thumb. He no longer loves me. He's just staying because I had the baby. I have that tiny voice in the back of my head telling me to keep my guard up, get my shit together and always be on my toes.
Is it fair to live my life based on the unknown? Corey has threatened to leave me on multiple occasions for the dumbest shit but not once through any of my discontentness have I fixed my lips to leave, talk to another person or even thought about cheating. Does my undying faithfulness make me a target for being neglected?
Things in my life are far from perfect. I'm partially employed, the bills are piling up, I can't carry the laundry to the laundromat, but somehow I still have a glimmer of hope. I have an amazing one year old, I clean the house, I cook, I started my lifestyle challenge, I'm eloquent, intelligent, read tons of books, I have great style and I'm family/goal oriented. To me focusing on the things I can change will create a way for the other stuff to change through that whole positive universe shit. So far it's been working.
I don't need tons of his time. We both live separate lives and the only time we're home alone together is 9:30pm- whenever he falls asleep which is usually by 10:30. It's a rainy day in NYC. I'm going to cook a fantastic dinner, clean the house, make some candles, throw on some fishnets and see if he can make me cry tonight.