I have been struggling with my body.
I am learning how to love it, how to love myself again but I still fall short.
I've been reading multiple blog sites for the past year on how to build confidence for a post baby body and every piece of advice says that the way you feel starts with you. Feelings of melancholy overwhelm me as I continuously tell myself I'm beautiful. This ricotta cheese skin that sags over my c-section scar, these tiger stripes that adorn my d cup breasts, my darkened inner thighs, the belly button that's not quite in the middle any more... Then I think, why does me feeling beautiful start with me? Our lives are full of compliments; from friends, family and now with the emergence of the internet even strangers. If I feel unattractive, why can't I seek uplifting confidence from my spouse?
In all truthfulness I have never felt unattractive until I had a baby. I have been fat before but it's something about saggy skin, and discolored stretch marks that even if I love, my spouse will shy away from. No, it's not that I am suddenly ugly because I have gained a few pounds, it's a different experience and it will take some getting used to. On the positive side, now that my size has grown, my style evolved. I can no longer wear short skirts and tube tops, I have to be a bit more creative to look fashionable. It took me 18 years to develop my style and silhouettes that flatter my old body type. It's unfair to expect me to get it together in 2 years.
In my adult life, I have never had a spouse express feelings of disgust or refrained from viewing or touching my body. The irony of him turning his back on me is that WE did this to me. We both knew that the way I went in pregnant, I would not come out the same. Dealing with the pain of being turned down, of turning him off just by simply being, breathing, existing is indescribable... It's painful.
I am a nudist by nature but I found myself ashamed of what my body looks like. I used to drape blankets around me in the house even if it 90 degrees so I didn't have to force him to look at something so repulsive.
Today, I force myself to stay in the mirror while I lotion and I am coming to terms with my new body. I'm just waiting on him to stay in the mirror with me... He will probably leave.